The End

Recently, my grandma reminded me that my mom’s 1 year death anniversary is drawing near. She reminded me to inform my brother to carry out our prayers at the temple where her tablet sits.

It has been almost a year. Going by the Lunar Calender, it falls on January 11, about a month or so to go.

To me, the date doesn’t really matter. My mom lives in my heart and memory.

Just like a book, the story matters, more than the book itself.

Story = Mom

Book = Tablet

Library = Temple

Something along this line.

But ever since my mom’s passing, I realised the importance of carrying out prayers in the temple, ‘celebrating’ Qing Ming Festival / Chinese New Year, etc. Ritual has a meaning now. This is the time when family meets, especially one that is not close. I look forward to seeing my brother. Not that we are estranged, but we weren’t close. We don’t talk casually. We talk business.

On a different note.

When my father died, we were estranged from my paternal family.

When my mother died, we are kind of estranged from my maternal family. And the paternal family returns and decided that bygones are bygones. And they showed me this…..

 

Is this how the universe work? One hand loses, one hand grabs?

I am not sure of how this extended family thing will get into my life but one thing for sure, my ‘Ang’, my brother and his wife, these people are what matters to me most.

And with this……it shall be the end of acaregiversjournal.

 

 

Dream so real

I had a dream yesterday night and dreamt about my mom and sister.

The dream was so real that when I woke up this morning, it was as though they were still alive!

I can understand that feeling for my mom. Since I do not live with my mom when she was alive, I visited her and my ‘environment’ and surroundings at my home is the same as when she was alive.

But for my sister? She is dead for 24 years! Apparently her image in me is still the same, she’s still the smart, clever and most obedient person I ever known. And thats’s how she presents herself in my dream.

You raise me up

“You raise me up” by Josh Groban. One of my favourites.

Had been listening to it mostly while driving because acoustics in the car is better. I’ve always love listening to good music in the car, with no distractions, all alone, focused.

In the past, this song always bring me tears……thinking about mom, how she raise me up. And since her passing, I’ve been avoiding playing this song.

But today, while driving home, with ‘Ang’ overseas in States, this song unknowingly gets played.

To my surprise, no tears came down, no welling up either.

Perhaps I’m over my mourning. Perhaps I’m really forgetting mom slowly. My memory of her gets more and more cloudy, more and more vague.

I think I’m really letting go of her, its so hard to do…..or I didn’t want to. But it just slipped through my fingers, just like water.

Or perhaps I’ve accepted the reality. Or perhaps I’m happy and contented with my life now. Doesn’t this sound very wrong?

Josh Groban – You Raise Me Up (Video)

Transient

Attended a funeral today and I was whizzed back to my mom’s.

The same Mandai Crematorium. Was reminded again how impermanent and transient lives are.

It is these moments in my life that halted my pace, stop, look and breathe.

It is these moments that I listen to the birds chirp, look at them fly and smell the flowers while I’m walking Hero.

It is these moments that I remembered I haven’t visited my grandma for some time.

Living in the present moment.

100th day

Today is the 100th day of my mom’s passing.

I only know that we need to be at the temple for her 100th day. But didn’t know what to do. So me, my ‘Ang’, brother and my sister-in-law made our way to Leong San See temple at Race Course Road.

We laid out the vegetarian food offerings, fruits and drinks, offered incense and ‘let the feast begin’, while we sat there waiting for the feast to be ‘finished’.

Our conversation inevitably switches to the General Election. My brother, for one, has been more “politically involved” in the past decade than me. So he’s familiar with attending rallies, online media, SDA, SDP, SPP, WP, PAP and what not. He, to me, I feel is more skewed towards the opposition. He told me that before the elections, WP had already made rounds in his estate, which by the way is Kallang-Moulmein, and he had met with the candidates. It was later that PAP came around, where he was given advance notice of the walkaround by the RC.

We were chatting and talking about Goh Chok Tong and the party disparity, PAP new and young candidates, WP’s rally, Chiam See Tong and its supporters, etc. Frankly, nothing in much favour of the PAP. The usual coffee shop talk.

Then, we realised we did it. Out in the open, in front of my mother’s, father’s and sister’s tablets, we are not really flying the PAP flag.

My mom, for her whole life, supported PAP. She was there carrying the PAP flag on Nomination Day, on Polling Day, marching on National Day, she was even a PAP kindergarten teacher!!! She is going jump out of her grave if she know her 2 kids are not wearing white!

But again, my mom’s father was an avid opposition supporter in the old times, participating in the Hock Lee bus riots, or something like that in that nature. I can’t remember what exactly it was but I know my grandfather fought for his beliefs. My mom flew the flag for hers. And my brother and I shall act on ours too.

Forgetting to remember

I had a chaotic time last week. So much so that I was constipated for the whole week!

Body shuts down. Mind took over.

I started this week with clearing the digestive tract 3 times in one morning! This week is a short week with Good Friday holiday. I didn’t intend to work except to clear some emails at home and attend a few meetings mid week.

With a morning swim, a home-made lunch, I am sitting in my home office now, clearing some emails, reading some blogs and listening to Imee Ooi’s “Mantra of the Green Tara” and “Compassionate Love” in the background.

I started to think of mom. Missing her maybe?

I started to feel guilty. I have forgotten about her.

It is work that helps me mourn.

It is work that keeps me going.

It is work that makes her proud.

It is work that makes me forget about her.

Its her 100 days come May 1st.

She will always be in my heart.

Living the present moment.

Wrapping Up

Looks like it is inevitable.

With the passing of my mom, her entire business “empire” seems to be in a standstill now. With more than 10 subsidiaries, 8 shareholders, 24 years in business, over 80 employees, millions in turnover, it seems inevitable we are going to close. This Singapore-grown, Singapore-based SME will draw her curtains one day, one at a time.

Some say its a pity.

Some had wanted to pump in funds to invest in it.

Some had treated this business as their rice bowl, where they brought their entire family up.

Some had treated this business as a life buoy, coming in to “help” when the weather out there was turbulent and the first to desert when the sun shines again.

Some had treated this business as their safe haven, with no inclinations to improve their skills or knowledge.

Some had worked their sweat and blood for this business.

No matter how this business had been treated, she had weathered SARS, Birdflu, Fire Outbreak, Manpower Strike, Global Financial Crisis, and perhaps some that I am not aware of.

I have learned this very valuable lesson.

在商场上, 同行们和商家们都称妈为＂大姐＂
妈用信与诚相待.
不知什么是　cashflow 或 share value,
只带着宽大的心,　帮助人的心，努力学习．
而我，　在商家们眼里就变成了＂大姐的女儿＂，
这,　可能就是妈给我最好的遗物．

No matter how this business had been treated, this business has served her legacy.

遗憾与伤感已不胜于我前方所要走的路.
因为＂妈，您已铺好了＂．

A New Beginning

开心. 带点伤感. 也付加了忧心.

———————

平时的脸都是带着忧愁, 烦恼.

永远都是那么的cool.

那脸上少见的喜悦, 摊开了一段自己选的人生道路.

突然觉得一切已不再呼.

祝福你, 我惟独的弟弟.

你要幸福哦!!

Leftovers

We stock up mother’s medicine and necessities in bulk of 3 -6  months, some even 9 months at a go.

With the leftovers, we donated some to Kwong Wai Shui hospital, some were picked up by Christalite Methodist Home.

We are having a hard time giving medicines away. As what the 2 organisations mentioned, they are only allowed to dispense prescribed medicine from doctors and purchased through polyclinics or pharmacies. Donation of medicines are a strict No- No.

Well, I do understand their concern. But it’s such a waste! So, here I have it. I bought these from polyclinic pharmacy, Choa Chu Kang Polyclinic to be precise, and Guardian pharmacy. If any individual who needs these medicines, where one can save tonnes of money on prescription drugs, here’s what we have. In fact, I do still have all the receipts of purchase from pharmacies.

Medication		Qty	Remarks
1	Omeprazole 20mg	560 tabs	For gastric ulcers
2	Clonazepan 0.5mg	180 tabs	Musle relaxant
3	Diclofenac 25mg	20 tabs	Painkiller
4	Tramadol 50mg	8 tabs	Painkiller
5	Domperidone 10mg	7 tabs	For gastric emptying
6	Fluimucil 600mg	10 tabs	For reduction of phelgm
7	Madopar – Levodopa 200mg/benserazide 50mg	1000 tabs	For Parkinson’s/control of one’s movements
8	Senokot 7.5mg	107 tabs	Laxative
9	Ferrum hausman 30ml	20 bottles	Iron supplement
10	Baclofen 10mg	152 tabs	Anti spastic agent / muscle relaxant
11	Nifetex TR – Atenolol BP 50mg/NifodexineUSP 20mg	10 tabs	High blood pressure
12	Bactroban 15grams	4 tubes	Antibiotic cream

So, drop me a note at acaregiversjournal@gmail.comTechnorati Tags: medicines, parkinsons, muscle relaxant, painkillers, iron supplement

Another send off

I’m totally jetlagged.

It’s 2.20am and its my birthday.

Alone in the study room, alone at home. (“Ang” is in Christchurch for the earthquake rescue operation)

Once I touched down Singapore, the first task that popped up on my iphone was my maid, Jane. We have ended her employment contract prematurely because we do not need her anymore since mama has passed on. She was able to find herself a new employer and her term ends on 28 Feb.

I drove up mama’s place around noon. She was all packed. Only 1 luggage and 1 small bag. That’s all her possessions looking after my mama for 5 years.

She has packed all mama’s clothes in several bags. Her meds were also properly sorted and put aside. Cans of milk powder and diapers were donated to a nursing home. She passed me my home keys and mama’s home keys. I took down her new employer’s address and phone number and gave her my old handphone.

I decided to send her to her new employer’s place. Hearing the movements near the main door, my brother walked out of his room and extended from his hand a red packet and said “For you”. My brother was poker face as usual. Jane thanked him profusely and bid goodbye.

I reached Jane’s new employer’ place, pulled up the car and went searching for an ATM machine because I had to pay her for the last month of service she was with us and all I had in my purse was 10 sterling pounds. Jane went searching for the ATM with me, I cashed the money out, walked back to the car and waited for her new employer. In my mind, I wanted to thank Jane, to tell her how appreciative I was that she took great care of mama, that mama has not a single bedsore on her body since she took care of her, that she had relieved me a lot of work by taking charge of the meds and other supplies, that she must find a good employer to work for, that she must be happy. But the words seems stuck in my throat. They didn’t come out. We stood there in silence under the hot sun waiting for her new employer and still struggling in my mind how to utter those words……

Then Jane called out: Miss…..

BK: What?

Jane: Erm…..(looking at my handbag)

A long pause later…….

BK: (Stunned for a moment)…..Ooh!!! Sorry!!! I forgot!!!

I completely forgot to hand her her remaining salary!!! What a dork I was!!! I quickly handed her her remaining salary and an amount as appreciation for her care towards my mama. She was very grateful. I told her she can contact me anytime if she has any problems or if she needs any help. I wished her all the best. Somehow, I was poker face too.

Her new employer arrived. We exchanged some courtesy words and I drove off.

While driving on the expressway, I felt a sense of loss. Somehow I feel I am slowly erasing mama off my life.

When I first packed mama’s clothes and donated to the Salvation Army, I felt empty looking at the empty wardrobe.

When I donated the cans of milk powder and diapers to the nursing home, it dawned onto me that I will never have to check her supplies and place order with Guardian Pharmacy anymore.

Now that I just sent Jane off, I felt another part of mama left me entirely again. Jane was the closest link between mama and me. She was the one who called me when mama ran a fever. She was the one who updated me when her meds were running low. She was the one who informed me on the number of days mama had not been passing motion. She was the one who recorded mama’s daily temperature and blood pressure. In a way, with Jane around, I was just a phonecall away from mama.

My mind drifted to the day I sat in the Employment Agency’s office reading through tens of applicants, watching their video interviews and reading their bios. And among them, Jane’s bio reads:

“Married with 3 children. Husband and daughter died in car accident. Left to care for surviving 2 children.”

Similarity and Empathy……….and that’s how Jane ended up taking care of mama for 5 years.

THANK YOU, JANE.